I created this blog years ago, purportedly to flesh out my interest in becoming a UU seminarian some day, and to just post my thoughts about religion and life in general. I had the idea that it would be a place where I could think my deepest thoughts, albeit in the open, and engage in conversation with other people with similar thoughts or interests. I have always been one to think deeply about things, or perhaps I have been one to obsess over things...I'm not sure what the difference is. When it comes to expressing my thoughts on profound, complex topics, I find that it is usually easier to get to the crux of things if I take the time to write it out. My brain seems to process things most clearly while in the act of writing them down.
However, I don't write as much as I ought to. Why? I can give any number of good, valid excuses. The lack of time, other priorities, and so on and so forth. But none of the excuses trumps the fact that I just need to write. I have felt so muddled and mentally confused for the past few years. My extreme identification with my social media personae and my incessant need to be connected to the internet - my feeling as though I will miss something if I look away for just one moment - all of that leaves me feeling overwhelmed, rudderless, lost.
You see? Until I wrote that, I couldn't even begin to articulate what the problem is. Too much too much too much - rotting my brain, clouding my mind, zapping my energy. Eating my soul?
So yeah, back to the question at hand. This blog was supposed to be a place for me to expose myself. For me to share my thoughts, and to clarify my thinking through conversations with those few of you who might read what I have to say. I still have hope that that might happen, which is why I keep it up and try to post from time to time. Perhaps my expectations are too high, or too low. I think I might be a little bit of a perfectionist when it comes to things like this, and I don't want to post anything "unrefined". But thinking like that keeps me from posting anything at all...so I guess it's time to give that up.
I really miss the community of Unitarian Universalists that existed on Beliefnet ten or fifteen years ago. I miss having those conversations, and having a community that wanted to discuss the things I like discussing. I've learned that one of the ways I might in some small part re-create that era today is for me to follow other people's blogs and engage with them there. So, if you notice that I've started leaving comments on (and not just reading) other blogs, it's my way of trying to declutter my mind and rejoin the conversations that are going on out there. I need focus and clarity...and it looks like I'll have to get there by accepting where my unfocused, unclear mind is right now, and laying it bare. So here goes.
Perhaps this is part of discernment. Who knows? I just need to write more; it really is a spiritual practice for me. And it'll all figure itself out in the end. Right?
2 days ago